20’s V. 30’s

It’s amazing how much things can change in ten years. I often laugh at how different I am now in comparison to ten years ago. What used to be considered “fun” is no longer desirable. What used to be important now seems so trivial.

Here is a little list that I’m sure many can relate to and maybe you’ll get a good laugh from it. Feel free to add any other items you can think of or if you are older, let me know how this list will change once again.

Enjoy!

20’s: Party all night then go straight to work

30’s: Party then needs to call out sick from work

20’s: Doesn’t get to club until midnight

30’s: Prefers daytime activities so they can be in bed by midnight

20’s: Loves being in big crowds and is tolerant of being bumped by random ppl

30’s: Gets anxiety attack and flips after being bumped more than once

20’s: Likes going to clubs and house parties

30’s: Likes dinners, shows or paint and sip

20’s: Drinks one too many cranberry vodkas even though history shows the night will end leaning over a toilet

30’s: Drinks one glass of alcohol and can’t keep their eyes open

20’s: Go to work/school then come home and get ready for your night out while listening to party music to get you pumped up

30’s: Go to work then come home and get straight into pajamas and watch your DVR recordings

20’s: Gets pissed if plans get cancelled

30’s: Prays that plans get cancelled

20’s: Enjoys hearing all the latest gossip

30’s: Too tired and concerned with paying my bills to worry about other people’s drama

20’s: Thinks life will end if relationship doesn’t work out

30’s: Looks back on past relationships and thinks “thank goodness that didn’t work out!”

20’s: Self conscious about being naked in front of a partner and critiques every “flaw” she has

30’s: Looks at her body and thinks “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!”

20‘s: I can’t wait to get home and talk on the phone for hours

30‘s: “Eh, we’ll talk when I see you”

20‘s: I can’t wait to live on my own and work and pay bills and be independent

30‘s: “OMG it’s like I’m working just to pay bills!”

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The Art of Saying “no”

So often in life, women find themselves in situations that they don’t necessarily want to be in, however, time and time again, comply and go along with it. In this particular post, I am referring to romantic/ intimate situations. My thoughts are based off of personal experiences and experiences that I have known friends and acquaintances to have found themselves in as well.

There are women out there who are strong-minded, strong willed and do not hesitate to say no. However, there are also many women that do not have that strength. How often do we hear about women who went along with an uncomfortable and undesirable sexual/intimate situation with a man when inside, that was the last place they wanted to be? Verbally, they say yes or maybe nothing at all. Inside, they are regretting putting themselves in that situation and just want it to be over.

I know I have been in that boat before and I’m sure there are plenty of women that can relate. I struggled with the fear of speaking my mind or “ruining” the mood. Fear of losing the interest and desire of the other person. Fear of looking boring or “prudish“. Fear of looking like a tease because if I didn’t want to do anything, I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Fear of losing the interest of this other person who I wanted so badly to like me. Thinking that this will give me some higher standing in this other person’s life. Or sometimes, going along with it “just because”.

The older you become, the more wiser and confident you become as well. At least for most people. Some women even in their older age are still trying to please other people even if it is at the expense of their dignity and pride. I am happy to say that I am not that woman anymore. I haven’t been for a few years now and I have never been more confident and comfortable with myself. In fact, the more you do what you genuinely want to do and the more you turn away undesirable situations, the easier it becomes. It is very stressful worrying about what other people think. It is very stressful doing things that don’t make you happy. Once you learn the art of saying no with no additional explanation, a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders and it is very empowering.

Many women feel the need to explain away their reasons for saying no. Many women are uncomfortable with saying no. The first time I said “no” it was a little awkward to be honest, because I don’t like to make other people feel rejected. This other person most certainly felt rejected and it was written all over his face. He persisted and asked several more times and I flat out said “no“. When he asked why, I said “because I don’t want to“. I ended my statement there. He got out of my car and I went home and to be honest, I felt good. I kept my dignity and my pride and I didn’t have to worry about feelings of resentment or shame later on. Once you know what it feels like to put yourself first and to love and respect yourself, you will never turn back. This confidence spills over into all aspects of your life and it is amazing how good it feels. Men will say “you’re mean” or “you have an attitude” but that is okay. That is a normal reaction to being rejected. I’m okay with “being mean” if it means I can walk away with peace of mind.

You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.

The recent media coverage of Aziz Ansari has evoked many writings and posts and articles about women going along with similar, uncomfortable situations and I hope that we, as a society, can figure out a way to empower women and give them the confidence to know that it isn’t okay to just go along with it. To have the confidence to realize that if saying no makes you less desirable in someone’s eyes, then they are not the right person for you. To know that their pride and integrity is worth more than gaining the affection of a man for one night. To know that it is okay to reject someone and not feel guilty about it because at the end of the day, if you don’t, someone will still end up feeling bad, except it will be you.

Beggars Can’t Be Picky

I hate it when people make it seem like it’s your fault that you’re single. “Maybe your standards are too high”. “Maybe you’re too picky”.  There are people who will make you feel as if you are doing something wrong because surely, if you were doing something right,  you wouldn’t be single! 

Well then I guess there’s a lot of wrong people out here because there certainly are a lot of single people! I guess we are all just so damn picky and bougie that nobody is good enough for us. (Sarcasm here).

The other day, I made a comment that I would probably not date someone if they didn’t drive. I’ve dated non-drivers before and say this based on experience. I have no problem taking turns with driving but I definitely don’t want to be the only one doing the driving. When I said that if someone didn’t drive it would be a no go for me, another woman proceeded to say “well beggars can’t be picky”.  

I guess it s a good thing that I’m not begging. I found her comment to be insulting and a bit ballsy. First of all, just because I am dating and looking for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m “begging” or desperate. I guess she was trying to say that if I really want to be with someone, I might have to forgo the driving preference. But I don’t agree. Just because I am looking for a relationship doesn’t mean that all preferences and standards have to go out the door. So many women “settle” and accept things that they genuinely don’t want to just so that they have a partner. I know some of these people personally. I don’t want to be one of those people. My standards or preferences or whatever you want to call them are already pretty basic. It’s not like I’m asking for furs and diamonds (I totally don’t wear real fur btw). My three basic tenets are that you have a decent job, have a car and treat me good. I do prefer someone with their own place and have foregone that plenty. So now I’m supposed to negotiate on the three other basic preferences I have? Before you know it, I’ll be doing all the driving, paying for the dates AND waking up to your mom in the morning. But it’s okay. As long as I have someone right?

If just for a day


If you could be the opposite sex just for a day, would you? More importantly, what would you do during those 24 hours? 
If you are a man, do you wonder what sex feels like for a woman? How it feels to have to squat when using a public restroom or maybe how it feels to get doors opened for you and dinner and a movie paid for.

Most guys that I asked said that they definitely want to know how sex feels to a woman. One guy said that he would like to know how sexism feels and to know what it’s like to get cat called and hit on all day. 

Women. What would you do if you were a man for a day? One female I asked said she wants to know what it’s like to go to the bathroom standing up. I actually want to know how it feels to not only pee standing up, but how it feels to pee standing up next to a random stranger. Another female said she wants to know how it feels to play with a female’s emotions and to cheat and another woman said that she would HAVE to know what sex feels like to a man. She said she knows it must be amazing because men go crazy for it. 

Perhaps living as the opposite sex would also give us more insight into some of the struggles that the opposite sex faces and we could have a better understanding and appreciation for them. I’ve always thought there must be a lot of pressure on a man to be the provider of the family. Maybe it’s discouraging to keep paying for dates that lead nowhere. And perhaps men could see how difficult it is to be the primary caregiver of a child. Or even how difficult it is for a woman to achieve an orgasm. Perhaps women would understand the pressure on a man to make a woman achieve an orgasm as well. 

So if you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do and what would you want to know?

Do you wear your wedding band?

The other day I was watching my son during  karate class and I noticed one of the fathers standing next to me wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. Then I looked at another father and he didn’t have on his wedding ring, either. I’ve known many married men that do not wear their wedding ring. Most married women I know do wear their wedding ring, however.

I posted on Facebook and asked my friends if they wear their wedding ring. The majority answered that they do not and neither does their partner. One of my female friends said that she is busy with her three kids and simply does not remember to put it on. She said that her husband does wear his band but she wouldn’t mind if he didn’t. They have been married for about 11 years. Another woman that has been married for 20 years said that neither her nor her husband wear their bands.She also said that they have been married for so long neither one of them cares.

One Facebook friend who is newly married said she would be very upset if her husband didn’t wear his band. I agreed and said I would be upset too, but then again I’m not married and maybe after 10-20 years it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me either.

So is it that longer married couples don’t wear their wedding bands as frequently as newly married couples? Does your wedding band become another fancy piece of jewelry that only gets worn on special occasions, or maybe never at all? I always looked at the wedding band as a symbol of your vows and commitment to one another and I personally feel there is a level of disrespect when you do not wear it. 

What do you think? Do you or your partner always wear your wedding ring, and why?

Que sera sera


In life, people are going to let you down. This, unfortunately, is an unavoidable fact. There will be people who you went to the moon and back for and they would never think to return the favor when you are in need. 
There are people who will take advantage of your kindness. They will lie to you and betray you. They will be nice to you when they need something and then turn their back when they are in a better place. 

Although there will be times when this cannot be foreseen, often times it can be. So many times after a situation like this happens, we say that we had a bad feeling from the beginning or that something never quite seemed right. If we learned to listen to the little voice inside our head that alerts us when something is off, we would probably avoid many problems. 

I used to ignore the voice in my head, the feeling in my gut. I used to make excuses and tell myself I was “just being paranoid.” I don’t do that anymore and I have avoided a lot of potentially disappointing situations. I now recognize when something doesn’t add up and I move on. I no longer doubt myself or apologize for having standards. This may lead to times of feeling alone or feeling like you don’t really have anybody, but in the end it will reveal who truly values you and is not just there when you can benefit them. 

Dating a single mother


Dating as a single mom is not easy. The biggest problem that I have faced is finding the time to actually go out on dates. When you don’t have a child, you can up and go as you please. You don’t have to worry about finding childcare. For me personally, my son goes to his father every other weekend. So I do have those weekends free, but most people don’t want to hear that you can only see them every other weekend. It’s very difficult to really get to know someone and form that bond when you are not spending time together in between. I am not able to get together after work because I have to pick up my son, do homework and everything else that is part of the daily after work routine. Most days, it’s hard to even find time to devote to a live phone conversation. Between cooking dinner, running errands, homework and bed prep there really is no time to talk. By the time my son is asleep I barely have any energy left. Text messaging is a god sent for these reasons but it’s nice to have that real conversation sometimes, to hear the other person’s laugh and tone of voice. Many people are not understanding when you say that you can’t call until 10 pm when everything is calm and settled. I’ve had people that caught an attitude if I took long to respond to text because I was in the middle of dinner or helping with homework. 
When I say that I can’t go out every weekend, that is also an issue. Someone once told me that they are worried about getting involved because what will happen when they miss me and want to see me during the week? It’s a struggle because I don’t want to introduce my son to anyone too early on so I can’t even offer the option of stopping by to see me and then even after some time does pass, many men seem to be wary of doing anything that involves incorporating my son into. I’ve only found one person that actually invited my son to come along. Otherwise, I have not had that luck. 

One man told me that a lot of men are hesitant when it comes to dating someone with a child because they think that means they will be obligated to take care of the child or to step in line as a second father. I am not looking for a replacement father as he already has one. I am not looking for someone to chip in financially for my sons needs. 

Dating a single mom takes someone who is patient and understanding. Someone who understands that while you are not expected to play step daddy, that child is part of the package and will at some point have to be incorporated into things. 

I’ve found that men with a child are a little bit more understanding of things, however, unless they have custody, they still don’t grasp the whole lack of time dilemma as they do not have their child for most of the week. 

Men with a child do seem to be a bit more interested as well when it comes to you talking about your child. Men that I’ve dated without a child seem to be lost when I talk about my son or something he did that I thought was cute or made me proud. Men with children appreciate and can relate to those feelings and experiences that you are referring to more. 

I’ve seen women with a child, sometimes more than one, that have found happiness and love with a man who is not the father. Some of them have remarried or moved on together and it makes me wonder how they got to that point as I struggle with even maintaining a consistent dating routine with one person. 

So to anyone facing the same situation, I say this. One day, the right man will come along. He will understand that a little patience, effort and consistency will all be worth it in the end. He will appreciate the sacrifices made by a single mother.

Click the link above to watch Alicia Keys “Superwoman” music video

Never settle for being less than one 


Sometimes the hardest part of letting go is accepting the fact that the other person is never going to change. The reason that’s so hard to do is because when the other person doesn’t change, that can cause feelings of doubt about your worth and it makes you realize that this person does not care enough to save the relationship. 
When you really love or care about somebody and want it to work, you will change the actions that are causing the other person pain. Nobody or nothing will get in between you and the person you love. If the other person continues to talk to other girls (or guys), comment on other girls (guys)pictures, lie to you, cheat, etc. after you have already asked them to stop, then that person does not really love you. 

I had someone that would not leave other girls alone, whether it be contacting them on social media or talking to them on the phone. It caused many fights yet he continued to do it. So you know what? He didn’t really love me or care about me enough to stop doing it. If he did, that would have never been an issue after the first time it happened. There is nothing worse than having someone that does not fight to keep you. Someone that is not proud to say you are theirs. Someone who does not view your happiness as a priority. Someone who makes you feel like everyone else is more important to them than you. 

Some people need to have their egos stroked. Some people aren’t satisfied with attention from just one person. Some people feel that they are not good enough for their partner or are inadequate compared to their partner, therefore, they make themselves feel better by getting attention elsewhere to lift their shattered self esteem. 

Do not ever accept this type of behavior, whether you are man or woman. You deserve to be not just number one, but the ONLY one. You should never have to compete for the attention of the person you are with and you should never be made to feel that you are just one of many options. I am not your option. I am your priority. If you cannot do that and maintain that standard, then you have no place in my life.  

Click above to watch Beyoncé “Sorry”

Random thoughts 

Sometimes it’s in the happiest moments that you realize how much you wish you had a partner to share those moments with.
It’s also in the most stressful moments that you wish you had someone there to talk to and to comfort you. 

Baby girl you’re a star.

Baby girl you’re a star, don’t let him tell you you’re not.

The right person will bring out the best in you, not the stress in you. What does that mean? That means that with the right person, you will flourish. You will smile. You will be happy. You will glow. You will be secure and confident in yourself and in your relationship. You will not do things that are out of character. I know when I am not with the right person because I do things that are not typical of me. My inner balance is completely off. 

There is someone who was in my life for the past year and I was stressed 90% of our relationship. Constant worrying and insecurity. It was noticeable to everyone around me, including family, friends and co-workers. I am naturally a social, friendly and fun person to be around. But this person brought out anxiety, fear and insecurity. When he is not around, I am good. Easy going. Calm. But as soon as I am with him, everything gets disrupted. This person is surrounded by drama and he brings that into all of his relationships. I don’t think he can function without it and it took a major toll on my mental well being. 

I then met someone who was the complete opposite of his personality and I noticed an immediate change in my disposition. My friends and family all told me that I am “normal” again. It felt so good to not be constantly worried about what was going to happen. To not question my relationship all of the time. To have someone consistent. It didn’t work out in the end but I learned from that relationship what I do want. I learned that a relationship can exist without drama. And it feels good. 

Having drama in a relationship is like a drug. It is actually addicting and very toxic. Drama creates an adrenaline like feeling, a high and then when you make up, its like coming down from the high. More drama is needed to experience that high feeling again. You end up in an endless cycle of make ups and break ups. 

The older I get, the more I see how unhealthy that cycle is and the more I know that I do not ever want another relationship like that again. I have learned when to let go and when to move on.