Beggars Can’t Be Picky

I hate it when people make it seem like it’s your fault that you’re single. “Maybe your standards are too high”. “Maybe you’re too picky”.  There are people who will make you feel as if you are doing something wrong because surely, if you were doing something right,  you wouldn’t be single! 

Well then I guess there’s a lot of wrong people out here because there certainly are a lot of single people! I guess we are all just so damn picky and bougie that nobody is good enough for us. (Sarcasm here).

The other day, I made a comment that I would probably not date someone if they didn’t drive. I’ve dated non-drivers before and say this based on experience. I have no problem taking turns with driving but I definitely don’t want to be the only one doing the driving. When I said that if someone didn’t drive it would be a no go for me, another woman proceeded to say “well beggars can’t be picky”.  

I guess it s a good thing that I’m not begging. I found her comment to be insulting and a bit ballsy. First of all, just because I am dating and looking for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m “begging” or desperate. I guess she was trying to say that if I really want to be with someone, I might have to forgo the driving preference. But I don’t agree. Just because I am looking for a relationship doesn’t mean that all preferences and standards have to go out the door. So many women “settle” and accept things that they genuinely don’t want to just so that they have a partner. I know some of these people personally. I don’t want to be one of those people. My standards or preferences or whatever you want to call them are already pretty basic. It’s not like I’m asking for furs and diamonds (I totally don’t wear real fur btw). My three basic tenets are that you have a decent job, have a car and treat me good. I do prefer someone with their own place and have foregone that plenty. So now I’m supposed to negotiate on the three other basic preferences I have? Before you know it, I’ll be doing all the driving, paying for the dates AND waking up to your mom in the morning. But it’s okay. As long as I have someone right?

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If just for a day


If you could be the opposite sex just for a day, would you? More importantly, what would you do during those 24 hours? 
If you are a man, do you wonder what sex feels like for a woman? How it feels to have to squat when using a public restroom or maybe how it feels to get doors opened for you and dinner and a movie paid for.

Most guys that I asked said that they definitely want to know how sex feels to a woman. One guy said that he would like to know how sexism feels and to know what it’s like to get cat called and hit on all day. 

Women. What would you do if you were a man for a day? One female I asked said she wants to know what it’s like to go to the bathroom standing up. I actually want to know how it feels to not only pee standing up, but how it feels to pee standing up next to a random stranger. Another female said she wants to know how it feels to play with a female’s emotions and to cheat and another woman said that she would HAVE to know what sex feels like to a man. She said she knows it must be amazing because men go crazy for it. 

Perhaps living as the opposite sex would also give us more insight into some of the struggles that the opposite sex faces and we could have a better understanding and appreciation for them. I’ve always thought there must be a lot of pressure on a man to be the provider of the family. Maybe it’s discouraging to keep paying for dates that lead nowhere. And perhaps men could see how difficult it is to be the primary caregiver of a child. Or even how difficult it is for a woman to achieve an orgasm. Perhaps women would understand the pressure on a man to make a woman achieve an orgasm as well. 

So if you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do and what would you want to know?

Do you wear your wedding band?

The other day I was watching my son during  karate class and I noticed one of the fathers standing next to me wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. Then I looked at another father and he didn’t have on his wedding ring, either. I’ve known many married men that do not wear their wedding ring. Most married women I know do wear their wedding ring, however.

I posted on Facebook and asked my friends if they wear their wedding ring. The majority answered that they do not and neither does their partner. One of my female friends said that she is busy with her three kids and simply does not remember to put it on. She said that her husband does wear his band but she wouldn’t mind if he didn’t. They have been married for about 11 years. Another woman that has been married for 20 years said that neither her nor her husband wear their bands.She also said that they have been married for so long neither one of them cares.

One Facebook friend who is newly married said she would be very upset if her husband didn’t wear his band. I agreed and said I would be upset too, but then again I’m not married and maybe after 10-20 years it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me either.

So is it that longer married couples don’t wear their wedding bands as frequently as newly married couples? Does your wedding band become another fancy piece of jewelry that only gets worn on special occasions, or maybe never at all? I always looked at the wedding band as a symbol of your vows and commitment to one another and I personally feel there is a level of disrespect when you do not wear it. 

What do you think? Do you or your partner always wear your wedding ring, and why?

Que sera sera


In life, people are going to let you down. This, unfortunately, is an unavoidable fact. There will be people who you went to the moon and back for and they would never think to return the favor when you are in need. 
There are people who will take advantage of your kindness. They will lie to you and betray you. They will be nice to you when they need something and then turn their back when they are in a better place. 

Although there will be times when this cannot be foreseen, often times it can be. So many times after a situation like this happens, we say that we had a bad feeling from the beginning or that something never quite seemed right. If we learned to listen to the little voice inside our head that alerts us when something is off, we would probably avoid many problems. 

I used to ignore the voice in my head, the feeling in my gut. I used to make excuses and tell myself I was “just being paranoid.” I don’t do that anymore and I have avoided a lot of potentially disappointing situations. I now recognize when something doesn’t add up and I move on. I no longer doubt myself or apologize for having standards. This may lead to times of feeling alone or feeling like you don’t really have anybody, but in the end it will reveal who truly values you and is not just there when you can benefit them. 

Dating a single mother


Dating as a single mom is not easy. The biggest problem that I have faced is finding the time to actually go out on dates. When you don’t have a child, you can up and go as you please. You don’t have to worry about finding childcare. For me personally, my son goes to his father every other weekend. So I do have those weekends free, but most people don’t want to hear that you can only see them every other weekend. It’s very difficult to really get to know someone and form that bond when you are not spending time together in between. I am not able to get together after work because I have to pick up my son, do homework and everything else that is part of the daily after work routine. Most days, it’s hard to even find time to devote to a live phone conversation. Between cooking dinner, running errands, homework and bed prep there really is no time to talk. By the time my son is asleep I barely have any energy left. Text messaging is a god sent for these reasons but it’s nice to have that real conversation sometimes, to hear the other person’s laugh and tone of voice. Many people are not understanding when you say that you can’t call until 10 pm when everything is calm and settled. I’ve had people that caught an attitude if I took long to respond to text because I was in the middle of dinner or helping with homework. 
When I say that I can’t go out every weekend, that is also an issue. Someone once told me that they are worried about getting involved because what will happen when they miss me and want to see me during the week? It’s a struggle because I don’t want to introduce my son to anyone too early on so I can’t even offer the option of stopping by to see me and then even after some time does pass, many men seem to be wary of doing anything that involves incorporating my son into. I’ve only found one person that actually invited my son to come along. Otherwise, I have not had that luck. 

One man told me that a lot of men are hesitant when it comes to dating someone with a child because they think that means they will be obligated to take care of the child or to step in line as a second father. I am not looking for a replacement father as he already has one. I am not looking for someone to chip in financially for my sons needs. 

Dating a single mom takes someone who is patient and understanding. Someone who understands that while you are not expected to play step daddy, that child is part of the package and will at some point have to be incorporated into things. 

I’ve found that men with a child are a little bit more understanding of things, however, unless they have custody, they still don’t grasp the whole lack of time dilemma as they do not have their child for most of the week. 

Men with a child do seem to be a bit more interested as well when it comes to you talking about your child. Men that I’ve dated without a child seem to be lost when I talk about my son or something he did that I thought was cute or made me proud. Men with children appreciate and can relate to those feelings and experiences that you are referring to more. 

I’ve seen women with a child, sometimes more than one, that have found happiness and love with a man who is not the father. Some of them have remarried or moved on together and it makes me wonder how they got to that point as I struggle with even maintaining a consistent dating routine with one person. 

So to anyone facing the same situation, I say this. One day, the right man will come along. He will understand that a little patience, effort and consistency will all be worth it in the end. He will appreciate the sacrifices made by a single mother.

Click the link above to watch Alicia Keys “Superwoman” music video

Never settle for being less than one 


Sometimes the hardest part of letting go is accepting the fact that the other person is never going to change. The reason that’s so hard to do is because when the other person doesn’t change, that can cause feelings of doubt about your worth and it makes you realize that this person does not care enough to save the relationship. 
When you really love or care about somebody and want it to work, you will change the actions that are causing the other person pain. Nobody or nothing will get in between you and the person you love. If the other person continues to talk to other girls (or guys), comment on other girls (guys)pictures, lie to you, cheat, etc. after you have already asked them to stop, then that person does not really love you. 

I had someone that would not leave other girls alone, whether it be contacting them on social media or talking to them on the phone. It caused many fights yet he continued to do it. So you know what? He didn’t really love me or care about me enough to stop doing it. If he did, that would have never been an issue after the first time it happened. There is nothing worse than having someone that does not fight to keep you. Someone that is not proud to say you are theirs. Someone who does not view your happiness as a priority. Someone who makes you feel like everyone else is more important to them than you. 

Some people need to have their egos stroked. Some people aren’t satisfied with attention from just one person. Some people feel that they are not good enough for their partner or are inadequate compared to their partner, therefore, they make themselves feel better by getting attention elsewhere to lift their shattered self esteem. 

Do not ever accept this type of behavior, whether you are man or woman. You deserve to be not just number one, but the ONLY one. You should never have to compete for the attention of the person you are with and you should never be made to feel that you are just one of many options. I am not your option. I am your priority. If you cannot do that and maintain that standard, then you have no place in my life.  

Click above to watch Beyoncé “Sorry”

Random thoughts 

Sometimes it’s in the happiest moments that you realize how much you wish you had a partner to share those moments with.
It’s also in the most stressful moments that you wish you had someone there to talk to and to comfort you. 

Baby girl you’re a star.

Baby girl you’re a star, don’t let him tell you you’re not.

The right person will bring out the best in you, not the stress in you. What does that mean? That means that with the right person, you will flourish. You will smile. You will be happy. You will glow. You will be secure and confident in yourself and in your relationship. You will not do things that are out of character. I know when I am not with the right person because I do things that are not typical of me. My inner balance is completely off. 

There is someone who was in my life for the past year and I was stressed 90% of our relationship. Constant worrying and insecurity. It was noticeable to everyone around me, including family, friends and co-workers. I am naturally a social, friendly and fun person to be around. But this person brought out anxiety, fear and insecurity. When he is not around, I am good. Easy going. Calm. But as soon as I am with him, everything gets disrupted. This person is surrounded by drama and he brings that into all of his relationships. I don’t think he can function without it and it took a major toll on my mental well being. 

I then met someone who was the complete opposite of his personality and I noticed an immediate change in my disposition. My friends and family all told me that I am “normal” again. It felt so good to not be constantly worried about what was going to happen. To not question my relationship all of the time. To have someone consistent. It didn’t work out in the end but I learned from that relationship what I do want. I learned that a relationship can exist without drama. And it feels good. 

Having drama in a relationship is like a drug. It is actually addicting and very toxic. Drama creates an adrenaline like feeling, a high and then when you make up, its like coming down from the high. More drama is needed to experience that high feeling again. You end up in an endless cycle of make ups and break ups. 

The older I get, the more I see how unhealthy that cycle is and the more I know that I do not ever want another relationship like that again. I have learned when to let go and when to move on. 

Is this official?

How do you know when your relationship has went from “dating” to “official”? Does it have to be verbally stated in order to be official? I think there are certain things that have to take place in order for me to consider it official. If you have told me that we are together but other key events haven’t taken place, then it still isn’t real to me. A title doesn’t mean anything without the actions to support it. 

For me, one of the key aspects to being official is when you have met the other person’s family/friends and vice versa. If I have not met the key people in your life, how serious are you about me? If our world and your family world is separate, then I wonder about my position in your life. When someone is truly serious and wants to be with you, they will introduce you to the people who’s opinion matters to them the most. This includes both close friends and family, especially their parents. If we have been going strong for a while and I still haven’t been introduced to your parents and siblings, I really question your commitment to me.  Do you invite me to family parties? Am I ever invited to hang out with your friends? Spending time apart and having your own life is important, but if I am never incorporated into your social life, then what message does that send to me?

Another key aspect to making it official to me is being public. I’m not saying you have to post pictures of us on social media every day, but if there is not one picture of me or of us together, I start to wonder about your level of commitment to me. Are you keeping us hidden from your social media following because you want to maintain a single image? Are you hoping that you have another option from your list of followers if things don’t work out between us?

Public displays of affection……I’m not a fan of the whole making out in public thing but I do like hand holding or having an arm out around me sometimes. It raises a red flag if you can’t hold my hand in public. 

Another important part of being in a commitment is being there in not only good times, but bad times as well. When we get into an argument, do you reach out and try to fix it or do you disappear? If you run off every time we argue and don’t attempt to find a solution to the problem, that shows me you have poor coping skills and I cannot rely on you.

Spending time is so very important in a relationship, whether in the beginning or later on in the relationship. If you say we are together but do not make effort to see me or spend time with me, then I am better off alone. How can we bond and grow if we barely see each other? 

Communication: if I tell you that something bothers me, will you compromise or will you tell me too bad? If I am asking something reasonable of you, then I would think its not a big deal to find a happy medium. The same applies for me.  If having my exes picture up on my Instagram or Facebook bothers you, I will take it down with no hesitation. Why? Because you mean more to me than a picture from one year ago. If I have a male friend that you have never met and me hanging out with them makes you uncomfortable, I will introduce you to them or invite you to hang out with us so you can see you have nothing to worry about. When someone isn’t willing to compromise, they are selfish and your feelings are not their priority. 

What’s your fetish?


So I was listening to Hot 97 yesterday morning on my way to work and they were discussing fetishes. There are those who have the “typical” fetishes such as feet and then there are those with what most people would agree is a bit more out there. I saw a documentary once on television about adults who dress up in big fuzzy costumes and have sex in costume. They even have conventions where they can attend in costume and meet other people who share their similar taste. I myself find it a bit odd and don’t find anything sexual about a man dressed in a big blue fuzzy costume, but hey, to each his own.

So, according to the morning show, some of the top 10 fetishes are:

-feet (sucking them, rubbing them, being rubbed by them) 

-adults dressed as babies (it’s usually the man dressed as a baby and the woman acts as the “mommy”) which actually doesn’t surprise me that this is a turn on for men because they always wanna be babied

-water sports (which is basically getting it on in water) 

-dominatrix

-leather/plastic attire

-spanking

There are underground spots that people can go to and pay to have their fetishes acted out. One place has women dressed in lingerie and they basically act out whatever fetish the man requests, such as being able to suck on the woman’s toes or masturbating in front of the men. No sex takes place  and there is security to ensure no one crosses the line. Apparently the women make a nice dollar playing into these fantasies.

It’s amazing that there is a fetish for almost anything. I saw a television special about a man who was turned on by helium balloons and had tons of them in his apartment. 

So what’s your fetish?