Miscommunication leads to complication

The title of this post is a line from Lauryn Hill’s ‘Lost Ones’.

I have never really been good at confronting situations that bother me. This includes everyday, typical misunderstandings. Often in the heat of the moment, I get so blinded by my emotions and so caught up in the feeling of rejection or resentment that I have a hard time putting my feelings out there and simply telling the person how what they did made me feel. I have often avoided opportunities to seek clarification on something that might not have been a big deal but because it wasn’t addressed at the time it happened, ended up snowballing into something more serious, sometimes even resulting in loss of friendship.

I think most of us have been in this situation. We assume the motives behind someone’s actions and then don’t talk to them again. Or we keep it inside and tell ourselves that we will just let it go, but then when we see the person involved in what made us upset, we have an attitude or a look on our face because the thoughts are rolling through our head. So many times someone has done something that bothered me and the next time I see them I have a look on my face that shows I am upset. The person will then ask “what’s the matter” and I reply “nothing”. When really I could have just expressed what bothered me and ended it right then and there.

I think with age and maturity comes self confidence and the less we seek approval from others. I am learning, although not completely there yet, to be more open with my feelings and not worry about how it will make me look or worry that I will offend somebody. This doesn’t always mean that it will result in a happy ending. Some people might get defensive that you confronted them. Some people might not talk to you again after that. But that’s okay. It is better than pretending that you are okay everytime you see this person or holding in something that is really pulling at you. I do think, though, that more often than not, it will result better than not saying anything at all. Sometimes the other person didn’t realize how what they said or did offended you or hurt you. Sometimes there was no malicious intent from the other person and confronting them helps you to realize it was actually very innocent.

When we don’t seek clarification, we assume and our assumptions, in turn, affect how we act towards the other party.

Recently at my job, maybe about a month ago, a woman at my job told me that something I said offended her. She has a heavy Brooklyn, Italian accent. She paged someone over the intercom. I then called her at her desk and mimicked her accent and said she reminds me of Marisa Tomei. When I saw her later that day, she told me that I hurt her feelings. She said that it is her pet peeve when people comment on her accent and she is tired of hearing the same comment from different people. I told her that I was only joking and I have a Brooklyn Italian accent as well which many people point out to me. Although it does not offend me when people point out my accent, it did offend her. She told me that she is letting me know it bothered her because we are friendly with each other and she didn’t want to keep it inside and give me an attitude. I apologized for offending her and I will not comment on her accent again. After that, everything resumed as normal between us.

So next time something bothers you, say something. You would be surprised how much better you feel after getting that weight off of your shoulders. You would also be surprised how more often than not, people are understanding of your point of view and want to clarify the misunderstanding. If they are your friend, they will listen and respect your feelings and explain. If they take offense at you confronting them or get defensive and act differently towards you afterwards, than it is more a reflection of them than it is of you.

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Beggars Can’t Be Picky

I hate it when people make it seem like it’s your fault that you’re single. “Maybe your standards are too high”. “Maybe you’re too picky”.  There are people who will make you feel as if you are doing something wrong because surely, if you were doing something right,  you wouldn’t be single! 

Well then I guess there’s a lot of wrong people out here because there certainly are a lot of single people! I guess we are all just so damn picky and bougie that nobody is good enough for us. (Sarcasm here).

The other day, I made a comment that I would probably not date someone if they didn’t drive. I’ve dated non-drivers before and say this based on experience. I have no problem taking turns with driving but I definitely don’t want to be the only one doing the driving. When I said that if someone didn’t drive it would be a no go for me, another woman proceeded to say “well beggars can’t be picky”.  

I guess it s a good thing that I’m not begging. I found her comment to be insulting and a bit ballsy. First of all, just because I am dating and looking for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m “begging” or desperate. I guess she was trying to say that if I really want to be with someone, I might have to forgo the driving preference. But I don’t agree. Just because I am looking for a relationship doesn’t mean that all preferences and standards have to go out the door. So many women “settle” and accept things that they genuinely don’t want to just so that they have a partner. I know some of these people personally. I don’t want to be one of those people. My standards or preferences or whatever you want to call them are already pretty basic. It’s not like I’m asking for furs and diamonds (I totally don’t wear real fur btw). My three basic tenets are that you have a decent job, have a car and treat me good. I do prefer someone with their own place and have foregone that plenty. So now I’m supposed to negotiate on the three other basic preferences I have? Before you know it, I’ll be doing all the driving, paying for the dates AND waking up to your mom in the morning. But it’s okay. As long as I have someone right?

If just for a day


If you could be the opposite sex just for a day, would you? More importantly, what would you do during those 24 hours? 
If you are a man, do you wonder what sex feels like for a woman? How it feels to have to squat when using a public restroom or maybe how it feels to get doors opened for you and dinner and a movie paid for.

Most guys that I asked said that they definitely want to know how sex feels to a woman. One guy said that he would like to know how sexism feels and to know what it’s like to get cat called and hit on all day. 

Women. What would you do if you were a man for a day? One female I asked said she wants to know what it’s like to go to the bathroom standing up. I actually want to know how it feels to not only pee standing up, but how it feels to pee standing up next to a random stranger. Another female said she wants to know how it feels to play with a female’s emotions and to cheat and another woman said that she would HAVE to know what sex feels like to a man. She said she knows it must be amazing because men go crazy for it. 

Perhaps living as the opposite sex would also give us more insight into some of the struggles that the opposite sex faces and we could have a better understanding and appreciation for them. I’ve always thought there must be a lot of pressure on a man to be the provider of the family. Maybe it’s discouraging to keep paying for dates that lead nowhere. And perhaps men could see how difficult it is to be the primary caregiver of a child. Or even how difficult it is for a woman to achieve an orgasm. Perhaps women would understand the pressure on a man to make a woman achieve an orgasm as well. 

So if you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do and what would you want to know?

Do you wear your wedding band?

The other day I was watching my son during  karate class and I noticed one of the fathers standing next to me wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. Then I looked at another father and he didn’t have on his wedding ring, either. I’ve known many married men that do not wear their wedding ring. Most married women I know do wear their wedding ring, however.

I posted on Facebook and asked my friends if they wear their wedding ring. The majority answered that they do not and neither does their partner. One of my female friends said that she is busy with her three kids and simply does not remember to put it on. She said that her husband does wear his band but she wouldn’t mind if he didn’t. They have been married for about 11 years. Another woman that has been married for 20 years said that neither her nor her husband wear their bands.She also said that they have been married for so long neither one of them cares.

One Facebook friend who is newly married said she would be very upset if her husband didn’t wear his band. I agreed and said I would be upset too, but then again I’m not married and maybe after 10-20 years it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me either.

So is it that longer married couples don’t wear their wedding bands as frequently as newly married couples? Does your wedding band become another fancy piece of jewelry that only gets worn on special occasions, or maybe never at all? I always looked at the wedding band as a symbol of your vows and commitment to one another and I personally feel there is a level of disrespect when you do not wear it. 

What do you think? Do you or your partner always wear your wedding ring, and why?

Que sera sera


In life, people are going to let you down. This, unfortunately, is an unavoidable fact. There will be people who you went to the moon and back for and they would never think to return the favor when you are in need. 
There are people who will take advantage of your kindness. They will lie to you and betray you. They will be nice to you when they need something and then turn their back when they are in a better place. 

Although there will be times when this cannot be foreseen, often times it can be. So many times after a situation like this happens, we say that we had a bad feeling from the beginning or that something never quite seemed right. If we learned to listen to the little voice inside our head that alerts us when something is off, we would probably avoid many problems. 

I used to ignore the voice in my head, the feeling in my gut. I used to make excuses and tell myself I was “just being paranoid.” I don’t do that anymore and I have avoided a lot of potentially disappointing situations. I now recognize when something doesn’t add up and I move on. I no longer doubt myself or apologize for having standards. This may lead to times of feeling alone or feeling like you don’t really have anybody, but in the end it will reveal who truly values you and is not just there when you can benefit them. 

Freedom

The older you get, the less you care about other people’s opinion of you. It is a great feeling to not be mentally binded by trying to please or conform. 

In life, things don’t always go our way. Especially when we are younger, we tend to worry about fitting in, not upsetting people or not wanting to come off the “wrong way”. Sometimes we ignore things that bother us or turn a blind eye to something that is not right because we would rather be a part of something than to stand alone.

I used to have a lot of anxiety and was constantly stressed because I would continue to keep myself in negative situations. I no longer have that problem because I have learned to identify when something is not right or when someone does not have my best interest at hand and I remove myself. This goes for both romantic relationships and friendships. 

Life goes on and time waits for no one. Make sure that you live your life to your fullest potential and don’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of what you really want and what makes you happy. Do not worry if someone else does not like what you are doing and don’t seek validation from others. Do what you feel in your heart and everything else will fall into place. 

Queen Bey

So I’ve been a long time fan of Beyoncé. Ever since she was in Destiny’s Child. I was listening to a Beyoncé playlist on Spotify while driving home the other night and there are seriously so many songs that she has done over the course of her career that there is no way I could pick a favorite. Or even a top five for that matter. I was thinking about her videos and started pondering which ones would be on my all time top ten list. 

I would like to share my ten most favorite music videos of Beyonce’s. Not necessarily because of the song alone, but that combined with the visual appeal. Please feel free to share and comment which is your favorite Beyoncé song or video. 

1. Get Me Bodied-This is one of my all time favorite feel good songs. Not just from Beyoncé but in general. This song always makes me feel good and I find it hard to sit still when I hear it. I absolutely loved the video when it first came out and loved that she had the former D.C. members and her sister, Solange, featured in it. Who can resist dancing when you hear Bey naming those classic dances?

2. Ring the Alarm- This is a personal favorite for me because what woman can say that they haven’t been in a relationship or came out of a relationship where they felt cheated? Like you gave your all just for him to move on to someone new. We all have a little bit of crazy in us (some more than others) and this definitely expresses what a lot of women have felt. 

3. Listen-This song is off of the Dreamgirls soundtrack. This song has a lot of personal meaning to me because it encompasses what I felt during the last few years of my past relationship. I felt very trapped and it’s like I was dying inside. He was very verbally and psychologically abusive and loved to tell me that I would be nothing without him. He never seemed to understand or care how unhappy I was and thought that as long as he paid rent, I should be happy. I remember belting this song out when I was home alone because it is exactly what I was feeling. I used to tell my mom and friends that my home doesn’t feel like home and then I heard Beyoncé say “I am alone at a crossroads. I’m not at home in my own home. And I tried and tried to say what’s on my mind. You should have known.”

4. Crazy In Love-This was the first video Beyoncé made during her solo career after Destinys Child. She is not done up but still looks beautiful. She gave us the “uh oh” dance and her legs are giving me life in those shorts. This was the first song her and Jay didntogether after “03 Bonnie and Clyde” and they had a definite chemistry. 

5. If I Were a Boy-how many times do we say that men would never be able to handle it if we did to them what they do to us all the time? Every lyric in this song is relatable to women and shows the many double standards that exist in relationships. I love the twist at the end where she is the one doing dirty and he uses the “how do you think that makes me feel?” Line on her. 

6. Upgrade You-Every strong man has a strong woman in his corner. “I can do for you what Martin did for the people. Ran by the men but the women keep the tempo. It’s very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal. Still play my part but let you take the lead role”

7. Hold Up-I think I like this song so much because it is an updated version of Ring the Alarm and anything that’s a little crazy appeals to me. I love her yellow dress and her willingness to admit that even Bey gets insecure and jealous. “What’s worse? Looking jealous or crazy. More like being walked all over lately, I’d rather be crazy”. 

8. Single Ladies- this is another feel good song and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I didn’t memorize the choreographed dance routine in this video. It was mocked on multiple forums and the best was Justin Timberlakes rendition of the famous video on Saturday Night Live. This song is played at every party and wedding reception and woman love doing the wrist twist.

9. Run The World- This video is very visually appealing to me and Beyoncé said she received inspiration for this video by the different dances and cultures she saw when she took time off to travel. “Boy you know you love it how we smart enough to make these millions. Strong enough to bear the children. Then get back to business”. 

10. Irreplaceable-this song gave us the famous “to the left” line. “To the left to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left”. A message to all that you are NOT irreplaceable. I think most woman can say they have sung this song after a breakup or when in the end stages of a failed relationship. 

Dating a single mother


Dating as a single mom is not easy. The biggest problem that I have faced is finding the time to actually go out on dates. When you don’t have a child, you can up and go as you please. You don’t have to worry about finding childcare. For me personally, my son goes to his father every other weekend. So I do have those weekends free, but most people don’t want to hear that you can only see them every other weekend. It’s very difficult to really get to know someone and form that bond when you are not spending time together in between. I am not able to get together after work because I have to pick up my son, do homework and everything else that is part of the daily after work routine. Most days, it’s hard to even find time to devote to a live phone conversation. Between cooking dinner, running errands, homework and bed prep there really is no time to talk. By the time my son is asleep I barely have any energy left. Text messaging is a god sent for these reasons but it’s nice to have that real conversation sometimes, to hear the other person’s laugh and tone of voice. Many people are not understanding when you say that you can’t call until 10 pm when everything is calm and settled. I’ve had people that caught an attitude if I took long to respond to text because I was in the middle of dinner or helping with homework. 
When I say that I can’t go out every weekend, that is also an issue. Someone once told me that they are worried about getting involved because what will happen when they miss me and want to see me during the week? It’s a struggle because I don’t want to introduce my son to anyone too early on so I can’t even offer the option of stopping by to see me and then even after some time does pass, many men seem to be wary of doing anything that involves incorporating my son into. I’ve only found one person that actually invited my son to come along. Otherwise, I have not had that luck. 

One man told me that a lot of men are hesitant when it comes to dating someone with a child because they think that means they will be obligated to take care of the child or to step in line as a second father. I am not looking for a replacement father as he already has one. I am not looking for someone to chip in financially for my sons needs. 

Dating a single mom takes someone who is patient and understanding. Someone who understands that while you are not expected to play step daddy, that child is part of the package and will at some point have to be incorporated into things. 

I’ve found that men with a child are a little bit more understanding of things, however, unless they have custody, they still don’t grasp the whole lack of time dilemma as they do not have their child for most of the week. 

Men with a child do seem to be a bit more interested as well when it comes to you talking about your child. Men that I’ve dated without a child seem to be lost when I talk about my son or something he did that I thought was cute or made me proud. Men with children appreciate and can relate to those feelings and experiences that you are referring to more. 

I’ve seen women with a child, sometimes more than one, that have found happiness and love with a man who is not the father. Some of them have remarried or moved on together and it makes me wonder how they got to that point as I struggle with even maintaining a consistent dating routine with one person. 

So to anyone facing the same situation, I say this. One day, the right man will come along. He will understand that a little patience, effort and consistency will all be worth it in the end. He will appreciate the sacrifices made by a single mother.

Click the link above to watch Alicia Keys “Superwoman” music video

Never settle for being less than one 


Sometimes the hardest part of letting go is accepting the fact that the other person is never going to change. The reason that’s so hard to do is because when the other person doesn’t change, that can cause feelings of doubt about your worth and it makes you realize that this person does not care enough to save the relationship. 
When you really love or care about somebody and want it to work, you will change the actions that are causing the other person pain. Nobody or nothing will get in between you and the person you love. If the other person continues to talk to other girls (or guys), comment on other girls (guys)pictures, lie to you, cheat, etc. after you have already asked them to stop, then that person does not really love you. 

I had someone that would not leave other girls alone, whether it be contacting them on social media or talking to them on the phone. It caused many fights yet he continued to do it. So you know what? He didn’t really love me or care about me enough to stop doing it. If he did, that would have never been an issue after the first time it happened. There is nothing worse than having someone that does not fight to keep you. Someone that is not proud to say you are theirs. Someone who does not view your happiness as a priority. Someone who makes you feel like everyone else is more important to them than you. 

Some people need to have their egos stroked. Some people aren’t satisfied with attention from just one person. Some people feel that they are not good enough for their partner or are inadequate compared to their partner, therefore, they make themselves feel better by getting attention elsewhere to lift their shattered self esteem. 

Do not ever accept this type of behavior, whether you are man or woman. You deserve to be not just number one, but the ONLY one. You should never have to compete for the attention of the person you are with and you should never be made to feel that you are just one of many options. I am not your option. I am your priority. If you cannot do that and maintain that standard, then you have no place in my life.  

Click above to watch Beyoncé “Sorry”

Random thoughts 

Sometimes it’s in the happiest moments that you realize how much you wish you had a partner to share those moments with.
It’s also in the most stressful moments that you wish you had someone there to talk to and to comfort you.