The Art of Saying “no”

So often in life, women find themselves in situations that they don’t necessarily want to be in, however, time and time again, comply and go along with it. In this particular post, I am referring to romantic/ intimate situations. My thoughts are based off of personal experiences and experiences that I have known friends and acquaintances to have found themselves in as well.

There are women out there who are strong-minded, strong willed and do not hesitate to say no. However, there are also many women that do not have that strength. How often do we hear about women who went along with an uncomfortable and undesirable sexual/intimate situation with a man when inside, that was the last place they wanted to be? Verbally, they say yes or maybe nothing at all. Inside, they are regretting putting themselves in that situation and just want it to be over.

I know I have been in that boat before and I’m sure there are plenty of women that can relate. I struggled with the fear of speaking my mind or “ruining” the mood. Fear of losing the interest and desire of the other person. Fear of looking boring or “prudish“. Fear of looking like a tease because if I didn’t want to do anything, I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Fear of losing the interest of this other person who I wanted so badly to like me. Thinking that this will give me some higher standing in this other person’s life. Or sometimes, going along with it “just because”.

The older you become, the more wiser and confident you become as well. At least for most people. Some women even in their older age are still trying to please other people even if it is at the expense of their dignity and pride. I am happy to say that I am not that woman anymore. I haven’t been for a few years now and I have never been more confident and comfortable with myself. In fact, the more you do what you genuinely want to do and the more you turn away undesirable situations, the easier it becomes. It is very stressful worrying about what other people think. It is very stressful doing things that don’t make you happy. Once you learn the art of saying no with no additional explanation, a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders and it is very empowering.

Many women feel the need to explain away their reasons for saying no. Many women are uncomfortable with saying no. The first time I said “no” it was a little awkward to be honest, because I don’t like to make other people feel rejected. This other person most certainly felt rejected and it was written all over his face. He persisted and asked several more times and I flat out said “no“. When he asked why, I said “because I don’t want to“. I ended my statement there. He got out of my car and I went home and to be honest, I felt good. I kept my dignity and my pride and I didn’t have to worry about feelings of resentment or shame later on. Once you know what it feels like to put yourself first and to love and respect yourself, you will never turn back. This confidence spills over into all aspects of your life and it is amazing how good it feels. Men will say “you’re mean” or “you have an attitude” but that is okay. That is a normal reaction to being rejected. I’m okay with “being mean” if it means I can walk away with peace of mind.

You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.

The recent media coverage of Aziz Ansari has evoked many writings and posts and articles about women going along with similar, uncomfortable situations and I hope that we, as a society, can figure out a way to empower women and give them the confidence to know that it isn’t okay to just go along with it. To have the confidence to realize that if saying no makes you less desirable in someone’s eyes, then they are not the right person for you. To know that their pride and integrity is worth more than gaining the affection of a man for one night. To know that it is okay to reject someone and not feel guilty about it because at the end of the day, if you don’t, someone will still end up feeling bad, except it will be you.


If just for a day

If you could be the opposite sex just for a day, would you? More importantly, what would you do during those 24 hours? 
If you are a man, do you wonder what sex feels like for a woman? How it feels to have to squat when using a public restroom or maybe how it feels to get doors opened for you and dinner and a movie paid for.

Most guys that I asked said that they definitely want to know how sex feels to a woman. One guy said that he would like to know how sexism feels and to know what it’s like to get cat called and hit on all day. 

Women. What would you do if you were a man for a day? One female I asked said she wants to know what it’s like to go to the bathroom standing up. I actually want to know how it feels to not only pee standing up, but how it feels to pee standing up next to a random stranger. Another female said she wants to know how it feels to play with a female’s emotions and to cheat and another woman said that she would HAVE to know what sex feels like to a man. She said she knows it must be amazing because men go crazy for it. 

Perhaps living as the opposite sex would also give us more insight into some of the struggles that the opposite sex faces and we could have a better understanding and appreciation for them. I’ve always thought there must be a lot of pressure on a man to be the provider of the family. Maybe it’s discouraging to keep paying for dates that lead nowhere. And perhaps men could see how difficult it is to be the primary caregiver of a child. Or even how difficult it is for a woman to achieve an orgasm. Perhaps women would understand the pressure on a man to make a woman achieve an orgasm as well. 

So if you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do and what would you want to know?

Baby girl you’re a star.

Baby girl you’re a star, don’t let him tell you you’re not.

The right person will bring out the best in you, not the stress in you. What does that mean? That means that with the right person, you will flourish. You will smile. You will be happy. You will glow. You will be secure and confident in yourself and in your relationship. You will not do things that are out of character. I know when I am not with the right person because I do things that are not typical of me. My inner balance is completely off. 

There is someone who was in my life for the past year and I was stressed 90% of our relationship. Constant worrying and insecurity. It was noticeable to everyone around me, including family, friends and co-workers. I am naturally a social, friendly and fun person to be around. But this person brought out anxiety, fear and insecurity. When he is not around, I am good. Easy going. Calm. But as soon as I am with him, everything gets disrupted. This person is surrounded by drama and he brings that into all of his relationships. I don’t think he can function without it and it took a major toll on my mental well being. 

I then met someone who was the complete opposite of his personality and I noticed an immediate change in my disposition. My friends and family all told me that I am “normal” again. It felt so good to not be constantly worried about what was going to happen. To not question my relationship all of the time. To have someone consistent. It didn’t work out in the end but I learned from that relationship what I do want. I learned that a relationship can exist without drama. And it feels good. 

Having drama in a relationship is like a drug. It is actually addicting and very toxic. Drama creates an adrenaline like feeling, a high and then when you make up, its like coming down from the high. More drama is needed to experience that high feeling again. You end up in an endless cycle of make ups and break ups. 

The older I get, the more I see how unhealthy that cycle is and the more I know that I do not ever want another relationship like that again. I have learned when to let go and when to move on. 

What’s your fetish?

So I was listening to Hot 97 yesterday morning on my way to work and they were discussing fetishes. There are those who have the “typical” fetishes such as feet and then there are those with what most people would agree is a bit more out there. I saw a documentary once on television about adults who dress up in big fuzzy costumes and have sex in costume. They even have conventions where they can attend in costume and meet other people who share their similar taste. I myself find it a bit odd and don’t find anything sexual about a man dressed in a big blue fuzzy costume, but hey, to each his own.

So, according to the morning show, some of the top 10 fetishes are:

-feet (sucking them, rubbing them, being rubbed by them) 

-adults dressed as babies (it’s usually the man dressed as a baby and the woman acts as the “mommy”) which actually doesn’t surprise me that this is a turn on for men because they always wanna be babied

-water sports (which is basically getting it on in water) 


-leather/plastic attire


There are underground spots that people can go to and pay to have their fetishes acted out. One place has women dressed in lingerie and they basically act out whatever fetish the man requests, such as being able to suck on the woman’s toes or masturbating in front of the men. No sex takes place  and there is security to ensure no one crosses the line. Apparently the women make a nice dollar playing into these fantasies.

It’s amazing that there is a fetish for almost anything. I saw a television special about a man who was turned on by helium balloons and had tons of them in his apartment. 

So what’s your fetish?

Lemonade: A Visual Album by Beyoncé 


  What’s worse…..looking jealous or looking crazy? 

  I ain’t thinkin bout you……middle fingers up. Wave it in his face, tell him boy bye.

  From Monday to Friday she has tears in her eyes. From Friday to Sunday she has stars in her eyes 
My daddy warned me about men like you. He said baby girl he’s playin you.

  Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you think you are undeserving?

  Forgiveness: If we’re gonna heal, let it be glorious. 

“And I know I promised I wouldn’t stay, every promise don’t work out that way.” 

Imma keep running cause a winner don’t quit on themselves.

Nothing REAL can be threatened.

Dating Tips 101: Several steps to Take to Make Sure It’s Real

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There are never any guarantees when it comes to relationships and love.  But there are certainly some steps that you can take to make the odds work out a little more in your favor.  If you are looking for more than a hook up and want someone who will respect you, there are certain things that you shouldn’t do.  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and what works for some might now work for others.  But in my experience, if you want to ensure that he is spending time with you out of genuine interest and a desire to get to know more about you, you should not:

GO TO HIS HOUSE/HAVE SEX WITHIN THE FIRST FEW DATES:  I’m not going to give a set amount of time that you should wait before having sex, but if it is the beginning of the relationship, having sex can send out the message that you just want to have fun.  He may very well still try to pursue you after that, but what if he doesn’t?  Often times, men stop putting in as much effort after they get the goods.  There is no longer anything for them to work for.  Your body is the golden ticket and gives the man something to work towards, an incentive.  Don’t let him have dessert before the main course. If you hold out and sex was all he wanted, he will surely fade away.  This can hurt, but at least you still have your dignity.

COME OUT OF POCKET:  The same idea lies here as with the first rule.  A man who isn’t looking for anything serious is not going to continue taking you out and paying for your dates.  Especially if you are not having sex yet.  When you allow a man to pay, you get a pretty good sense of how serious he takes you and what his true intentions are.  This has nothing to do with being a gold digger or getting a “free meal”.  As women, we have to keep our guards up and it is so hard to tell when a man wants to be with you or when he just wants a hook up.  This is one of the most surefire ways to see where his head is.  If he genuinely likes you, treating you to dinner or any other date you go on will not be an issue to him.  I have had men tell me that a woman should never come out of pocket in the beginning because this sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.  Men are creatures of habit, if you start paying in the beginning it will most likely be expected every time. This will also make him think that you have lower standards as far as what you expect from him. Once a relationship has been established, there is nothing wrong with taking turns and treating your man once in a while, but that is once you are secure and know where you stand. I have had guys ask me out on a date and then ask if I can pay for myself.  When I said no, they cancelled on me.  It sucks but at least now I know where his mind was.

DISCLOSE TOO MUCH INFORMATION:  It’s not a good idea to give too much information in the beginning  about all the men that have hurt you or used you.  Telling a guy that hasn’t yet gotten to really know you that all of your exes cheated on you or used you will certainly raise a red flag.  He might wonder why you are always getting cheated on or think you are a common factor each time.  He might wonder why it was so easy to take advantage of you.  Allow him to get to know the real you first and then you can disclose past experiences little by little and vice versa.  Make sure he opens up to you as well.  Don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable too early on.

Love game 

It seems like nowadays, dating has become one big game. My personal opinion is that it has also become one big joke. But let me not get off topic. Nowadays, it seems like there are all these “rules” to play by and it is a battle of wits. “Don’t tell him that you like him” “Act like you don’t care” “Don’t act happy to hear from him when he texts or calls you”. Basically, act as completely uninterested as possible to gain his attention. I do not do well at this game because I’m a very open and honest person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I like you, I’m going to tell you. If you hurt my feelings, you will know. If you asked me to go out with you and then break plans, I am not going to act unbothered. I am going to let you know that you’re a selfish jerk. My female friends say that this is exactly the problem. They say that I’m not supposed to act like I care that plans were cancelled, I’m not supposed to say that I’m hurt because things didn’t go the route I wanted it to. 
I tried to follow their advice and act as nonchalant as possible. I did the whole “yeah it’s cool I made other plans anyway” bit. I pretended like I was in the middle of 500 other things when someone I liked called me. I lied and said I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I pretended that the last guy I dealt with didn’t break my heart. But in the end, no matter how much you put on this facade, the feelings are still the same inside. I don’t understand when it became wrong to show interest in someone. When did it become wrong to tell someone you’re looking for a relationship? I’m supposed to lie and tell you I just want something casual? No thank you. I’m going to be honest and lay my cards on the table and if you don’t like it or feel the same way then don’t waste your time or my time for that matter. I recently stopped talking to someone that would contact me all week then conveniently disappear every weekend and then come back every Monday to give me an excuse. “I got called in to work” “my cousin died” “I went through some things this weekend”. My response? “Cut the s***, you were with your girl this weekend”. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. I told him to move along and stop wasting my time and I never spoke to him again. My friend said I should have just continued to play it cool and not say anything, make it look like I wasn’t even concerned with what he did over the weekend. She said don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you even thought about it. But WHY? Why should I continue to waste my time, energy or ICloud storage on a person that clearly has no regard for me or my feelings? I don’t care if I inflated your ego by making it known that it bothered me because I will never see or speak to you again. I recently read an article about this same topic and I would like to share a snippet of it with you:



Watch Lady Gaga Love Game





The Rating Game

sex and the citySo this is a re-post of a blog that I wrote on  I got quite a few interesting comments on this topic.  So while lounging around on a lazy Sunday morning, I came upon a Sex and the City marathon on TV.  What better way to spend a Sunday morning than in my pajamas with a cup of coffee and back to back episodes of one of the best shows ever (just my opinion).  So Carrie (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) and Samantha (played by Kim Cattrall), were walking in the city and talking about their friend, Charlotte, who recently had a guy fall asleep on her during sex.  Samantha said that this obviously means that Charlotte was bad in bed. Carrie then ponders to herself, “how DO we know whether or not we are good in bed?”.  This got me thinking the same thing.  I think that if someone falls asleep on us during the act, it is safe to say that they were not amused.  But other than something as obvious as that, how do we really know.  Are we being rated on our performance during the act?  Are we rating our partner in our mind during sex?  I’m not going to lie, there have been times when I was not into it or just didn’t feel that chemistry and in my mind I just wanted it to be over with.  There have been times I did not enjoy it but gave it another shot hoping it would get better the second time. I thin it’s safe to say that plenty of women have “faked it” during sex and the guy walks away thinking he did something spectacular.  But how do women know if a guy genuinely enjoyed himself?  Do guys fake their way through sex as well?  Also, is there a way to tell if someone is good in bed before you sleep with them?  Samantha on Sex and the City said she never met a man that was bad in bed but good in life.  I have a little theory myself that always seems to prove true.  I have found that they way a guy dances is a direct reflection of how he performs in bed.  If he has rhythm on the floor, he has rhythm in bed as well (at least in my experience).  So ladies, do you have a go to method to determine if a guy will be able to please you in bed?  Any sure fire ways to tell if your guy enjoyed your rendezvous?