Real life vs. Social Media
If someone really wants to be with you, they will. No one is ever too busy or “dealing with a lot” when they are genuinely interested in you. Those are easy excuses for someone that either is just not that into you or is too lazy to put in any effort.
Do not make excuses or try to rationalize this in your mind. It is what it is. As women, we try to be “understanding”. We don’t want to come off as too pushy or impatient. And you shouldn’t be. I am not saying to chase this person or to settle for their non-chalant attitude towards you. I am saying to leave it alone. It is ok to ask where the relationship is going or how the other person feels about you. But if their actions don’t match their words, you have to make a move.
It is a known fact that when a man is interested in a woman, he will pursue her. He will not be lazy about it because he doesn’t want another man to get to her. Men are territorial by nature and they go after what they want.
All you need to do is look at the animal kingdom for proof of this. Watch any National Geographic show or Planet Earth on Netflix and you will see what I mean. In almost any species of animal, the man pursues his female conquest and he goes hard for her. He might do a dance for her. He might fight another male competitor for her. He makes all sorts of noises to express his interest.
I watched Planet Earth the other day and saw Kimono Dragons fighting for a female dragon. I saw a male bird return to an island to meet up with his female counterpart that he meets every year in the same place to mate. He sat there alone and focused and sat patiently waiting for her to show up. I saw a sloth climb through trees and swim across a river when he heard a female on a neighboring island. A pack of male flamingos were literally marching in formation to impress a woman. Don’t believe me? Look at this vid below
Females in nature do not pick a male that does not pursue her. She picks the male who fights for her attention. The man who shows he will stop at nothing to have her. She knows she is the object of his desire and knows that he has to win her love. I never saw a female animal say “maybe he’s just busy” or “maybe it’s something I did”.
I’m not saying that the next man you are interested in should tap dance for you or get in a fist fight for you , but I am saying that you should recognize your worth and don’t feel guilty about making someone put effort into wooing you.
It’s amazing how much things can change in ten years. I often laugh at how different I am now in comparison to ten years ago. What used to be considered “fun” is no longer desirable. What used to be important now seems so trivial.
Here is a little list that I’m sure many can relate to and maybe you’ll get a good laugh from it. Feel free to add any other items you can think of or if you are older, let me know how this list will change once again.
20’s: Party all night then go straight to work
30’s: Party then needs to call out sick from work
20’s: Doesn’t get to club until midnight
30’s: Prefers daytime activities so they can be in bed by midnight
20’s: Loves being in big crowds and is tolerant of being bumped by random ppl
30’s: Gets anxiety attack and flips after being bumped more than once
20’s: Likes going to clubs and house parties
30’s: Likes dinners, shows or paint and sip
20’s: Drinks one too many cranberry vodkas even though history shows the night will end leaning over a toilet
30’s: Drinks one glass of alcohol and can’t keep their eyes open
20’s: Go to work/school then come home and get ready for your night out while listening to party music to get you pumped up
30’s: Go to work then come home and get straight into pajamas and watch your DVR recordings
20’s: Gets pissed if plans get cancelled
30’s: Prays that plans get cancelled
20’s: Enjoys hearing all the latest gossip
30’s: Too tired and concerned with paying my bills to worry about other people’s drama
20’s: Thinks life will end if relationship doesn’t work out
30’s: Looks back on past relationships and thinks “thank goodness that didn’t work out!”
20’s: Self conscious about being naked in front of a partner and critiques every “flaw” she has
30’s: Looks at her body and thinks “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!”
20‘s: I can’t wait to get home and talk on the phone for hours
30‘s: “Eh, we’ll talk when I see you”
20‘s: I can’t wait to live on my own and work and pay bills and be independent
30‘s: “OMG it’s like I’m working just to pay bills!”
Have you ever dealt with a toxic person? I think most of us have come across this person at some point in our lives. If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky and if you have, I think you will be able to relate to this post.
There will always be people we don’t necessarily click with, people who don’t share the same interests as us. However, some people are just plain toxic. You can interact with these people, but interactions have to be kept at a minimum to prevent the negative vibes from having an effect on you. Keep your distance from people who are never happy for the next person. People who have a hard time congratulating someone on their accomplishments. People who feel the need to constantly one up on others. In today’s society, we refer to them as “haters“. These people are very toxic and the root of their toxicity is low self esteem and a fragile ego. They have low feelings of self worth and therefore, can never be happy for the next person. How can someone who is not happy with themselves be happy for others? They can’t.
These people will never admit to being unhappy. They constantly brag about their accomplishments, their money and everything else that they have that is desirable to mask their feelings of inferiority. People like this are dangerous because they can never be a genuine friend. A friend is someone who is happy for you when something good happens, someone who listens and wants the best for you. Someone who tries to lift you up when you are feeling down. Toxic people do not display these traits. It is okay to be acquaintances with these people but maintain a safe distance as they always have ulterior motives.
Someone who feels the need to compare and to put other people down are in a constant state of self Judgement. They will never feel completely fulfilled because there are always people around them who they have to do better than. Their sense of worth and validation comes from proving that they are better than the next person. This person struggles with low self esteem and low confidence and the only way to lift these levels up is through somehow convincing themselves that they are better than you. This person only talks about their life, their hardships and their struggles. They probably do not really know anything about you because they have never cared to ask. Even if they have asked, it is just to find something new to one up you on. This person will even buy things that you have or copy your hair style, your nails, etc to prove that they do it better or look better. These people will talk badly about others because they are secretly envious of something they have, whether material or non-material. They talk badly about their “friends” when they’re not around yet smile in their face. If their friend accomplished something or is happy about something, the toxic person will smile and say congratulations but inside, they are waiting for you to mess up. Have a relationship that you are happy in? They secretly hope it fails. Boyfriend proposed to you? They wish it was their boyfriend who proposed. Got a new hair style? They will now go out and get a haircut. Going to Florida? They will now go to Europe. They are in a constant state of competition and enveloped in a never ending cycle of envy and hate. Sometimes, people envy the non material things you have, such as love, admiration, confidence etc. They are threatened by your confidence. Your independence. It kills them that you are happy.
My advice is to keep these people at bay and only disclose generic information to them as they don’t even really care and will just try to add it to their list of things to compete with you on and to talk about. Toxicity and negativity are contagious and you know what they say, “misery loves company”.
So often in life, women find themselves in situations that they don’t necessarily want to be in, however, time and time again, comply and go along with it. In this particular post, I am referring to romantic/ intimate situations. My thoughts are based off of personal experiences and experiences that I have known friends and acquaintances to have found themselves in as well.
There are women out there who are strong-minded, strong willed and do not hesitate to say no. However, there are also many women that do not have that strength. How often do we hear about women who went along with an uncomfortable and undesirable sexual/intimate situation with a man when inside, that was the last place they wanted to be? Verbally, they say yes or maybe nothing at all. Inside, they are regretting putting themselves in that situation and just want it to be over.
I know I have been in that boat before and I’m sure there are plenty of women that can relate. I struggled with the fear of speaking my mind or “ruining” the mood. Fear of losing the interest and desire of the other person. Fear of looking boring or “prudish“. Fear of looking like a tease because if I didn’t want to do anything, I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Fear of losing the interest of this other person who I wanted so badly to like me. Thinking that this will give me some higher standing in this other person’s life. Or sometimes, going along with it “just because”.
The older you become, the more wiser and confident you become as well. At least for most people. Some women even in their older age are still trying to please other people even if it is at the expense of their dignity and pride. I am happy to say that I am not that woman anymore. I haven’t been for a few years now and I have never been more confident and comfortable with myself. In fact, the more you do what you genuinely want to do and the more you turn away undesirable situations, the easier it becomes. It is very stressful worrying about what other people think. It is very stressful doing things that don’t make you happy. Once you learn the art of saying no with no additional explanation, a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders and it is very empowering.
Many women feel the need to explain away their reasons for saying no. Many women are uncomfortable with saying no. The first time I said “no” it was a little awkward to be honest, because I don’t like to make other people feel rejected. This other person most certainly felt rejected and it was written all over his face. He persisted and asked several more times and I flat out said “no“. When he asked why, I said “because I don’t want to“. I ended my statement there. He got out of my car and I went home and to be honest, I felt good. I kept my dignity and my pride and I didn’t have to worry about feelings of resentment or shame later on. Once you know what it feels like to put yourself first and to love and respect yourself, you will never turn back. This confidence spills over into all aspects of your life and it is amazing how good it feels. Men will say “you’re mean” or “you have an attitude” but that is okay. That is a normal reaction to being rejected. I’m okay with “being mean” if it means I can walk away with peace of mind.
“You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.
The recent media coverage of Aziz Ansari has evoked many writings and posts and articles about women going along with similar, uncomfortable situations and I hope that we, as a society, can figure out a way to empower women and give them the confidence to know that it isn’t okay to just go along with it. To have the confidence to realize that if saying no makes you less desirable in someone’s eyes, then they are not the right person for you. To know that their pride and integrity is worth more than gaining the affection of a man for one night. To know that it is okay to reject someone and not feel guilty about it because at the end of the day, if you don’t, someone will still end up feeling bad, except it will be you.
Happy New Year’s everyone! The New Year begins on a Monday. What better day to start a new beginning? I am not a big fan of making resolutions but I don’t think it hurts to say that you should continue to grow and evolve and be a better version of yourself. This will mean different things for different people depending where you are in life. Leave negativity behind or do your best to avoid it. You will always encounter unpleasant people and situations but we often have the choice to entertain the negativity or to walk away from it. A major part of making yourself happy is changing the way you react to situations. Some situations require no action at all. Surround yourself with positive people, successful people, people who are happy to see you grow and who want to grow with you. Follow your gut and listen to your heart.
It wasn’t until I became a mom that I learned what unconditional love is. I always THOUGHT I knew what it meant to love someone unconditionally but now that I’m a mother, I realize that I didn’t.
As a mother, we put our children’s needs before our own. It doesn’t matter if you’re upset or tired, having a bad day or just not in the mood. We keep going and we put our best foot forward and do our best to be strong for our children. We drive between recreational activities, sports practices, dance rehearsals etc. because we want our children to get the most out of life and to be happy in spite of whatever fatigue or emotions we are feeling. It makes us happy seeing our children happy. We want our children to be better than we were, to have more opportunities and experiences than we did. To realize that they can truly be anything that they want to be. We wait up at night for them to come home. We get worried when we don’t hear from them. It breaks our heart to see them sad or hurt. We do what sometimes feels like the impossible to keep a smile on their face.
Being a mom encompasses many different roles. We are counselors, chefs, drivers, cheerleaders, homework helpers, coaches, alarm clocks, nurses. Just to name a few. We are our children’s backbone and strength. We are their protector and their guidance. We are there to motivate and instill our morals and values upon them, while at the same time allowing them to explore themselves as an individuals separate from ourselves, in hopes that they will become a responsible and respectful member of society.
We look past their flaws and mistakes. We hug and kiss them good night and good morning even when they drove us crazy. We see their full potential and sometimes we even sacrifice our dreams so that they can reach theirs. We put our needs second to theirs because we love them unconditionally.
The title of this post is a line from Lauryn Hill’s ‘Lost Ones’.
I have never really been good at confronting situations that bother me. This includes everyday, typical misunderstandings. Often in the heat of the moment, I get so blinded by my emotions and so caught up in the feeling of rejection or resentment that I have a hard time putting my feelings out there and simply telling the person how what they did made me feel. I have often avoided opportunities to seek clarification on something that might not have been a big deal but because it wasn’t addressed at the time it happened, ended up snowballing into something more serious, sometimes even resulting in loss of friendship.
I think most of us have been in this situation. We assume the motives behind someone’s actions and then don’t talk to them again. Or we keep it inside and tell ourselves that we will just let it go, but then when we see the person involved in what made us upset, we have an attitude or a look on our face because the thoughts are rolling through our head. So many times someone has done something that bothered me and the next time I see them I have a look on my face that shows I am upset. The person will then ask “what’s the matter” and I reply “nothing”. When really I could have just expressed what bothered me and ended it right then and there.
I think with age and maturity comes self confidence and the less we seek approval from others. I am learning, although not completely there yet, to be more open with my feelings and not worry about how it will make me look or worry that I will offend somebody. This doesn’t always mean that it will result in a happy ending. Some people might get defensive that you confronted them. Some people might not talk to you again after that. But that’s okay. It is better than pretending that you are okay everytime you see this person or holding in something that is really pulling at you. I do think, though, that more often than not, it will result better than not saying anything at all. Sometimes the other person didn’t realize how what they said or did offended you or hurt you. Sometimes there was no malicious intent from the other person and confronting them helps you to realize it was actually very innocent.
When we don’t seek clarification, we assume and our assumptions, in turn, affect how we act towards the other party.
Recently at my job, maybe about a month ago, a woman at my job told me that something I said offended her. She has a heavy Brooklyn, Italian accent. She paged someone over the intercom. I then called her at her desk and mimicked her accent and said she reminds me of Marisa Tomei. When I saw her later that day, she told me that I hurt her feelings. She said that it is her pet peeve when people comment on her accent and she is tired of hearing the same comment from different people. I told her that I was only joking and I have a Brooklyn Italian accent as well which many people point out to me. Although it does not offend me when people point out my accent, it did offend her. She told me that she is letting me know it bothered her because we are friendly with each other and she didn’t want to keep it inside and give me an attitude. I apologized for offending her and I will not comment on her accent again. After that, everything resumed as normal between us.
So next time something bothers you, say something. You would be surprised how much better you feel after getting that weight off of your shoulders. You would also be surprised how more often than not, people are understanding of your point of view and want to clarify the misunderstanding. If they are your friend, they will listen and respect your feelings and explain. If they take offense at you confronting them or get defensive and act differently towards you afterwards, than it is more a reflection of them than it is of you.
My favorite time of the day is sunset. When the sun is making it’s way down in the horizon and the sky is illuminated with beautiful hues of pink and purple. I’m also in love with the NYC skyline and so it’s no wonder I chose the picture above. My favorite sights to look at all at once. Although summer is no longer my favorite season, I love a summer sunset. When the temperature is not too hot yet still warm.
Sunset is relaxing to me. There is something about sitting outside and simply admiring the sky during this time that brings peace inside and makes me feel good. It is calming and refreshing. Sometimes it’s nice to think that the people you love or perhaps someone you have lost are watching the very same sunset
The idea was introduced by a French artist by the name of Sophie Calle. Beginning Saturday, you will be able to write your secret on a piece of paper and slide it into a slit in the tombstone.
This Saturday, on its opening day, you will also be able to personally tell your secret to the artist.
Once the grave becomes filled up with secrets, the papers will be burned. This grave will only be open for the next quarter century.
The intent of the “burying of secrets” is not to be therapeutic, although that might be a side effect for some participants. There are two other “graves of secrets” in Geneva and in France, where Calle has her own secrets buried.